What You Learn Falling In Love Again In Midlife

New Love In Midlife

Falling in love again as a woman in midlife has been many things all wrapped into one. Scary, amazing, frustrating, beautiful, raw, warm, and most surprisingly, fun.

When I started talking with my now boyfriend several years ago, I wasn’t looking for a new love. In fact, quite the opposite was true. I was in the early stages of a divorce from a man I had loved and raised my kids with. I was in the middle of questioning everything that I had ever known to be true. 

I wasn’t looking for a new love so soon but sometimes the universe has different plans.

I have never delved into the story of my divorce here, and someday I will, but not today. Today is about second chances. Today is about who we become over the course of 50+ years and how we keep thriving. Today is about love.

My divorce was the hardest thing in my life, as it is for most people who have had a lifelong relationship unravel. But, as with all painful life experiences, I learned a lot about myself. And I learned about love.

I learned about what I needed. 

I don’t think we really ask ourselves that when we’re young, in our twenties and falling in love. I know I didn’t. 

I just knew I loved a great guy. He was a hard worker, a good person with good values. We respected each other. You’re supposed to get married after dating a certain amount of time, right? So that’s what we did. And honestly, I pushed for this harder than he did. As a young woman, I had been conditioned by society that this is what I was supposed to do. Find a good man and marry him so I could have kids and “settle down.”

All along, I never really asked myself what I needed from a love, a partner, a spouse. And if I never really knew what I needed, how could I share it with anyone else?

So we fumbled through.

With some wonderful times. Some great memories. And two incredible kids.

But with two people out of touch with what they needed or how to express it, things broke down. It was excruciating – and I didn’t always handle things well. But, I did the best I could.

After completely falling apart, the universe put someone in my life to help put me back together.

A lot of people say you shouldn’t get right into a relationship after a divorce, and many people judged me for this. But it’s hard to live a life of absolutes. Never do this. Always do that. Sometimes life just happens and you do your best to keep up.

My therapist said it best, “Are you going to risk losing a special person because of what other people say? Because they think it’s too soon?”

Well, I listened to her. Do I sometimes wish I had a longer space between being someone’s wife and some else’s girlfriend? Yes.

But I also wish my mother didn’t die at 51.

We don’t get to choose what happens and when. What we do get to do is make the best decisions we can based on the leadings of our heart and learn along the way.

So here’s the beauty of falling in love again in midlife. We have the wisdom and the knowing that come with age. We have the lessons learned from prior experiences. And we have the conviction that we simply will not settle. Because life is just too damn short! 

Here are 10 things you learn when you fall in love in midlife:

1. You find your voice. Getting older helps you see the importance of finding your voice as well as giving you the confidence to use it.

Getting married as a young woman, I didn’t always feel I had permission to stand up for myself. I wasn’t “supposed to” cause waves. To be disagreeable. So I went along never really knowing how to use my voice. Never feeling like it was really allowed. As I got older, I became more confident as I found my voice and my new relationship was a perfect place to test it out. 

2. You know what you want and you aren’t afraid to ask for it. This is an important piece for love a second time around. If you’re going to have a relationship that gives you what you need, it is imperative to get in touch with who you really are and what you really want.

In midlife, you understand, you are worthy of whatever it is you want, but you have to ask for it. 

3. You come to realize that life is too short to settle. By this time in our lives, we recognize that time is precious. The clock is ticking and we don’t have time to f*ck around. It’s up to us to make the most of this one precious life we’ve been given. Settling is not an option.

My boyfriend and I understand that no one knows what tomorrow holds so we make sure we are living our relationship to the absolute fullest. That means staying connected. Having fun. Sharing ALL the feelings. And loving BIG.

4. You feel confident in your body. One of the blessings of midlife for women, is we tend to feel more confident in our bodies. We finally feel comfortable in how we look because we realize we are amazing, beauty is fleeting, and looks aren’t what really matter anyway! (The fact my boyfriend is constantly saying loving things to me about my body doesn’t hurt.)

Feeling confident in our own skin not only helps us feel happier, it helps us feel sexy.

5. It’s ok to change how you show up in the world. For me, this was becoming okay with being taken care of. This was a HUGE mindset shift for me.

Becoming a feminist in the late 80s, I was a confident, independent woman and didn’t think I needed to be taken care of by anyone. I could do all the things.

Now that I’m older and with a man who LOVES taking care of me (it’s one of his love languages), I let him. I let him open my doors. I let him carry the groceries. I let him clean up the kitchen. I’ve come to realize in midlife, his need to do this has nothing to do with his feelings about my capabilities. We both know I’m capable. He doesn’t do this because he thinks I’m weak. He does this because he feels I’m important.

One of the beautiful parts of my relationship is I feel taken care of, and it’s okay. 

6. You learn how to own your mistakes. My boyfriend taught me this. He was very open and upfront about mistakes he made in his past, and in his prior relationships. He made himself vulnerable with me, admitting his shortcomings. This gave me permission to do the same.

So as we bump up against frustrations and obstacles, as all relationships will, we are able to own our shit. To admit when we’ve hurt the other or made a mistake. Pride or refusing to take responsibility doesn’t come into play. 

7. You rediscover that sex and intimacy are important.  You heard me. Sex is important (at least for us)! And it is one thing that keeps you close to your partner. Intimacy is equally important. The snuggling, the massages, the deep conversations, the honesty, the owning your shit (see above), the hand holding, the vulnerability, the soft kisses. All of it is important. Sex AND intimacy are the things that keep you connected. 

8. Having fun is critical! You’re never too old to have fun! I have always made fun a priority (it keeps me sane). But my boyfriend is new to the fun game.

Like most men, he spent his career (as a Fire Captain) working. Working to provide for his family. Working to maintain financial stability. Working to fill the loneliness after his divorce. He didn’t make time for fun. But now, he realizes, fun is an important part of life. So he’s squeezing every drop of fun out of this life, and he’s not afraid to show it. Being relatively new to the Fun Game and social media, he loves sharing. He can’t wait to show his people he is really living his life. And his people love it. They enjoy seeing him having fun, because they didn’t get to see a lot of that from him in the past. They are happy because he is happy.

(BTW –  If people aren’t happy for your happiness, they aren’t your people!) 

9. It’s okay to be both selfish and generous. It’s important to give and take.  

Truth be told, my man lets me be selfish way more than him. We take turns having our needs met and meeting the needs of the other.

Because I had my own activation about feeling strong and capable, I never really allowed myself to totally surrender, to allow someone else to take care of me, or to wait on me. It took me a long time to let go of the guilt surrounding this. It’s nourishing to let someone else take care of my needs. It’s freeing to let someone else take charge. All the while, knowing that it is reciprocal and the shoe will soon be on the other foot. We enjoy being taken care of as much as taking care of the other.  

10. Opposites really do attract. In my relationship, I am the yin to his yang.

In ancient Chinese philosophy, yin and yang is a concept of dualism, describing how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. (Wikipedia)

I love this because he and I could NOT BE more different. In pretty much every way. But we are complementary, interconnected, and interdependent. We “give rise to each other as we interrelate.” He brings out the best in me and I in him. Those parts of ourselves that wouldn’t be otherwise nurtured.

We have the ability to learn and grow and be an example for the other. He constantly shows me how to love harder and express all the emotions.  And I show him how to relax in the world and to approach life with a little more ease.

When I was a young women if you would have told me I’d be divorced and figuring out how to love all over again in midlife, I’d have said you were crazy.

But here I am.

And as painful as it is knowing the love in my marriage ran it’s course, exploring love the second time around has been mindful, authentic, and actually pretty fucking fun. 

If you are worried about finding love in midlife, maybe this has given you hope. Keep an open mind and open heart and you may be surprised what the universe has in store for you.

As always, I wish you love and courage. But today, I wish you much, much more love!

xx

Karen

PS If you want a sounding board for getting curious about how you can become the woman that attracts a beautiful relationship into your life, get on a free call with me.