Should I Stay or Leave? 5 Gut-Check Questions for Women Over 40 Considering Divorce
Let’s just call it what it is:
The question “Should I stay or go?” is a freaking heart breaker.
Deciding whether or not to leave a decades long marriage is one of the most gut-wrenching, confusing, soul-altering questions a woman can ask herself. And yet, I know, because I’ve lived it, it’s one of the most authentic . It’s one of the most powerful. And it’s one of the most f*cking courageous.
No one prepares us for the quiet ache of being in a relationship that looks fine from the outside but feels like slow suffocation behind closed doors.
Your partner might be a “good person.”
There might not be toxic dysfunction like alcoholism or abuse.
There might not be one of the “acceptable” reasons to want a divorce.
But something inside of you knows: This doesn’t feel good. This isn’t it.
So the big question is, what do you do with that knowing?
Do you put in the work and reinvigorate a relationship that has gone stale, or do you make the FREAKING HARD decision to close this chapter?
If you’re in that foggy, shame-filled, I-can’t-tell-anyone headspace, I wrote this with you in mind.
BecauseI remember that feeling SO well. Feeling so freaking alone, dealing with the intense shame for even considering divorce.
These are the questions I wish someone had asked me sooner. Not to give me answers, but to help me find my own clarity.
1. Am I staying because I’m afraid of leaving, or because I genuinely want to stay?
Make no mistake, divorce after 40 is no walk in the park.
AND… neither is staying in a marriage that has lost it’s connection, it’s verve, it’s growth, and it’s lust for life.
It’s crucial NOT to gaslight yourself into asking, “Is it really that bad?”
Or falling into the trap of saying, “This is what I signed up for so how can I power through?”
The important things to consider are: What are the reasons that make me want to stay ? How is this relationship fulfilling me? Is it possible to make this better? How would my life feel without this relationship?
Fear is a powerful force. Fear of being alone. Fear of judgment. Fear of starting over in your 40s or 50s. Fear of disappointing people. Fear of losing your kids or friends. The fear list is endless…
But fear-based decisions only build resentment, not peace. And certainly not a joy filled life.
Get radically honest with yourself: Are you choosing this relationship… or just tolerating it? And equally important, is your partner choosing you?
2. Who am I in this relationship, and do I even like her?
This one stings.
Because sometimes the woman we become inside decades of marriage… isn’t the woman we actually want to be.
We can turn into someone who gets good at pretending and sacrificing our voice to make others around us happy.
Ask yourself: Do I recognize myself anymore?
Do I feel alive? Expressed? Authentic? Desired?
Or do I feel like a watered-down version of myself, always managing, accommodating, settling, and keeping the peace?
Ask yourself: Does this relationship help me be the best version of me?
***I just want to pause here and say, If you’re a woman over 40 and considering divorce, I see you and I want you to know how brave you are.
3. What would I tell my daughter, or my best friend, if this was her life
You know the answer.
You know exactly what you’d say to another woman in your shoes.
But for some reason, when it’s your life, your courage dims and your clarity of what to do gets murky.
If the advice you’d give someone else is different from the advice you’re giving yourself, ask why.
What double standards are you holding against yourself that you wouldn’t hold for someone you love?
4. What’s the cost of staying?
Don’t get me wrong, there are potentially huge costs of leaving; financially, emotionally, socially.
But let’s talk about what it’s costing you to stay:
Your energy
Your peace
Your joy
Your dreams
Your truth
Your spark and freaking excitement for life
Your ability to know you’re choosing your life
What are you sacrificing to make this “work?”
And how long can you keep sacrificing it before you totally lose sight of who you are?
Read that again!
5. If nothing changed… would I still want this life 10 years from now?
This is the gut-puncher.
Because staying isn’t neutral. It’s a choice. And every day you don’t make a decision, is still a decision.
So imagine this: Nothing changes.
Same marriage. Same energy. Same disconnection. Same patterns.
Does that future feel like happiness?
Does that future feel good to you?
You don’t need a crisis to want to leave.
This is rebellious because society, religion, and your conditioning will tell you otherwise. They will tell you something is wrong with you if you want to leave.
And it takes so much f*cking courage and self trust not to listen.
Because nothing is wrong with you just because you want more.
If you’re serious about living your best next chapter, you need to get this figured out.
You need to decide if you want to put in the work to build your marriage into something that lights you up.
Or if you want to close the book on this chapter and see what the rest of the story holds.
Because take it from someone who has been there, you can’t keep doing what you’re doing and pretending you’re not shriveling up inside.
You need the confidence to get clear on what you want.
And that’s what I help women do.
If you’re in that foggy, no-one-understands phase of trying to decide whether to stay or go, I’ve got free tools that can help:
📥 Get on the waitlist for my “Am I Ready?” Divorce Checklist
✍️ Comment “journal” to grab my 10 journal prompts: “Rewrite Your Midlife Divorce Story”
And if you’re craving real support as you untangle your truth from all the noise, I’ll be opening a few 1:1 coaching spots in August. Click the link to get on my calendar so we can have a free, clarity consultation chat.
You don’t have to decide today.
But you do get to start telling the truth today. The truth that it’s ok to ask for more. Whether it’s inside your marriage or not.
This is a big decision. Maybe the biggest you’ll make in your lifetime.
But this is what I want you to know…
You get to decide what you want. You get to decide if you want to work on your relationship.
And you get to decide if this relationship has run it’s course for you.
You don’t have to pretend anymore.
Because the truth you start telling…
Will be the beginning of your next chapter, and you get to decide how juicy and satisfying it gets to be.
xo,
Karen
