Gratitude with a Side of Guilt: When the Holidays Hit Different After Divorce

Oct 25

How Gratitude and Grief Go Together

You know it’s coming. The time of year when you’re supposed to feel thankful.

And you are grateful. Of course you are. You’ve got people you love, a life you’re rebuilding, maybe even a little spark of joy creeping back in.

But if you’re a woman who is divorced or going through a divorce, so many other emotions are swirling around your heart.

Ans sometimes, hiding under the things you are truly grateful for? Is guilt. The emotion, as my brother told me years ago when it came to my divorce, that didn’t serve a purpose. Guilt is something that if you let it, will just keep humming in the background, eating away at your feelings about yourself.

This is the time of year when you’re supposed to be thankful… but you’re also exhausted, sad, maybe angry, maybe a little afraid, and you’re just trying to hold it all together.

No one really talks about this part.

That the gratitude AND grief of divorce go together like PB & J.

Allowing Yourself to NOT Feel Gratitude

Pretending you’re in gratitude when your heart is breaking doesn’t work.

The key is to find things you’re truly grateful for AND honor your other feelings. Because there will be other feelings.

The gut punch when your kids spend the holiday with your ex and you try to find your joy in an empty house.

The sting when someone says, “Well you wanted it” (and you did.) But that doesn’t change the fact you still feel empty.

The weird feeling you get because you won’t be the “hostess with the mostest” at the Thanksgiving table this year.

But here’s what you need to know: you can be grateful and still f*cking miss what you lost.

You can trust your decision and still mourn the version of the family you thought you’d have.

You can feel joy and heartbreak at the same time.

It’s not a contradiction. It’s reality. And the sooner you learn how to hold the duality of divorce, the sooner you’ll start to heal.

Redefining What Gratitude Looks Like

It’s ok if things look a little different this year. They are different.

You don’t need to pretend you’re overflowing with gratitude.

This year, gratitude might look like:

Taking a deep breath before responding to that text from your ex.
Saying no to the tradition that no one really likes anyway.
Crying into your wine glass and dancing in your kitchen later that night.
Letting yourself rest instead of over-functioning your way through the to do list.

That’s gratitude too. The raw, unfiltered kind that doesn’t require pretending. It just requires taking care of yourself.

You Don’t Have to Be “Strong”

You’ve spent years keeping the peace, swallowing your needs, and carrying everyone’s emotional weight.

Now it’s time to set that shit down. Seriously, if you want to come out of this whole, you HAVE to prioritize you.

Certainly, be there for your kids if you have them.

But it’s time to worry about your needs.

You don’t have to prove you’re okay.

You don’t have to tell anyone that there’s a part of you that enjoys the peace and quiet.

You don’t owe anyone a ‘yes’ to the party invite if you don’t want to go.

You get to make choices that are right for you. And you are allowed to feel it all.

The ache. The relief. The anger. The sadness. And the tiny, almost-undetectable flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, you’re finally finding your way back to yourself.

This Year is for Grief and Gratitude

No more pretending. No more “at leasts.” No more bypassing your pain and faking a smile to make everyone else comfortable.

You’ve survived a heartbreak that split your life in two.

You’ve rebuilt pieces of yourself no one else could even understand were broken.

And you’re still here, growing, healing, reclaiming.

That’s gratitude.

The kind that feels like the truth.

Gratitude isn’t about pretending it’s not still hard. It’s about honoring the woman who walked through the fire and didn’t completely lose herself.

So if “thankful” feels complicated this year, don’t worry, nothing is wrong with you. You’re just telling the truth. You’re feeling the truth, maybe for the first time.

And that’s where your peace lives.

If you are a woman in midlife, who is holding the ache of divorce, and you’re trying to figure out how you’re going to “do” the holidays this year, I got chu!

I created something for you because I know how gut wrenching the holidays can be if you’re trying to balance the weight of divorce.

Get your Holiday Divorce Survival Toolkit.

Click on the link and we’ll get on a call so I can create your customized your kit for you. Then, you’ll have me in your inbox for the next 4 weeks.

You’ll get tools and rituals that will make this season less about surviving, and more about reclaiming your peace:

✅ Customized emails to support you on the weekly + and audio pep talk to listen to on repeat
✅ Scripts for those awkward family convos
✅ Grounding rituals when emotions feel too much to bear
✅ Reflection prompts to help you release guilt and make space for joy

And the support of someone who’s been there.

You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through the holiday pretending you’re fine, grab my arm and let me help lead you back to yourself.

Karen Shatafian

Karen is a personal development mentor and life and empowerment coach for women over 40. She’s been inspiring and empowering women over 40 since 2013. She is a surfer, a mom, an avid coffee drinker and lover of all rescue animals. Karen works with women in an intimate and supportive environment as she helps them gain clarity on how they want their lives to look and create new chapters after divorce, empty nest, or many of the other midlife transitions. She helps women gain the confidence to design their lives in ways that feel really f*cking good. If you’re a woman moving through midlife and you’d like to get on a free call with Karen, click this link.